Sometimes you can't always make a living by just living your dream. My dream is being an author and children's book illustrator. My dream is to design as well as sell my art work. While I'm working towards that and working very hard at it, I still have bills to pay. I'm very fortunate to be able to count on my family and stay with my aunt and uncle but of course I want to be independent. The good news is, I've made a step in the right direction! I have a part time job. It'll help pay the bills and soon I'll have something full time.
My new job is a little daunting. I know it's going to be hard. It's a little fun, in a way, though, too. Like with anything I do, I just want to do well. I want to be the best version of myself and make as few mistakes as possible. Of course since I'm just learning this I have made and will make a lot more mistakes. So I'm going to do something I rarely do; go easy on myself. I'll do my best and when things don't go as smooth as I want, instead of beating myself up, I'll forgive myself and do better next time. I'll remind myself that life isn't perfect, things won't always go the way I plan and that that's ok. As long as I'm doing my best and learning from my mistakes I have nothing to be ashamed of.
So what's next? Does this job mean, less artwork or none at all? Not a chance! In fact it means more art work. I can afford supplies, software and anything else I need to create. I'm so excited. I said last year was going to be the year and boy was it. Just not the year I thought it was going to be. This year could bring anything. And I've been thinking a lot about what comes next for me. Honestly, I worry that even though I'm working hard I may not achieve my goals. The nature of life being what it is, they probably won't look how I think they're supposed to look or feel how I want them to feel, if and when I do finally get there. And its very likely to be a long journey. That can be a scary thought. Over the Christmas holiday, though I saw a movie that made me think about life and achieving goals in a different way. We've all probably heard a ton about it already but, that movie is Soul, from Disney and Pixar.
I'm a huge Disney and Pixar fan. It's hard to be an artist or creator and not be dazzled by or at the very least understand the significance of their work. It's Pixar so, of course, the animation was stunning. But the journey the characters went on was what really made it stand out. No spoilers (or even a real review) here but I just want to express my take away and how this movie made me feel. What I got was that a lot of the time we're in a rush trying to get anywhere but here. We're trying to achieve our goals, running after the big dream or promotion or romance, more followers, more sales, whatever it is. Having dreams is wonderful but we spend so much time chasing them that we forget about the here and now. I know that applies to me. As a kid all I wanted to do was hurry up and grow up. Now all I want is to get out and be independent. Sometimes it's all I can think about. It's all I want. And that was making me miserable. But Soul helped me see that it's ok and probably better not to put so much stock in my dreams. That achieving them isn't going to fix everything in my life. And that even if I never achieve my dreams it doesn't mean my life isn't worth living. Sometimes it's ok not know your purpose and just enjoy life.
I've always felt this pressure to prove myself; like I had to prove to myself, the people in my life and the world that I mattered. I still feel pressure. But I'm not going to let it over take me. I recently started trying to apply this quote to my life as well. "At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening." (-Heather Hepler). More and more I'm seeing the message to let go of expectations. It's hard to let go. It's also freeing, in a way. I don't know what this year will bring. I don't know exactly how or if my plans will succeed. And that's ok. If 2020 taught me anything it's that life is full of curveballs. Now and in the future as I pursue my goals I'll hopefully be more flexible and be able to adapt when those curveballs come my way. So yeah, pretty big update; new year, new job, trying out a new philosophy for life, one that's less obsessive and hopefully leads to a happier, less anxious me. I thank God that things are going in new and positive direction. Stay tuned for more updates. There will be art! There will be prints! And dreams will come true! Even if it's not exactly how I pictured it.
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