Recently I lost my mom. It's turned my world upside down. It's hard to make a living as an artist and now without her love and support it seems a million times harder. She really was the best person I knew. She was smart, generous, sarcastic and kind. She was a great listener and my number one fan. Some days I can't believe it's real; that Mommy is really gone. Talking about her in the past tense is weird. I don't think I'll ever get over it. There have been a few times when I thought about giving up. But the last thing she would want is for me to give up on my life or my dreams. She always thought I was so talented. She wasn't the type of person to praise me just because I was her kid. If what I did had mistakes or she didn't get it she would be honest with me. So, when she said I was good I knew it was true. Of course it didn't hurt hearing it from friends, fans and even random strangers.
My cheerleader is gone. The person I would always asked for advice and leaned on and trusted more than God himself is gone. And I'm getting used to life without her. That doesn't quite compute yet. Life without my mom. I lived my grandparents when I was young. She worked nights and couldn't leave me on my own. She wasn't there everyday. But she was always somewhere. I could call her. I'd see her every weekend. She'd chaperon school trips. But now she's just in my mind. It's lonely. But I'm not alone.
Creating art and writing are both part of who I am. I can't give up on either anymore than I could forget my mom. The road ahead is going to be a difficult one and some people in my family might not understand my path but I can't stop. I feel more and more that this is part of the reason God put me here. I'll admit I was angry with Him. How could he take away the person I loved the most? How could he take away someone so generous and helpful who never did a horrible thing in her life. My mom wasn't perfect but she was the best person I knew. i still don't understand it all, but God has not let me down. When I feel empty and alone I know I at least have Him. I have my assignment. To create. To tell stories. To help people.
This will probably sound silly but I feel a bit like Barry Allen from the TV show the Flash. He lost his mom when he was young. And then his father. He's lost so much but he manages to keep smiling, and trusting people and most importantly running. I know he's a fictional character but there are so many other real people who are in similar situations and they found the strength to keep going, so I know I can too. I can be just like the Flash, in my own way.
I won't stop, Mommy. I can see her shaking her head now and smiling at me. I've always been the fanciful sort and she knew it. She'd never judge me for it. "You and your Supergirl." she'd say. She wasn't all that into either show. Still, I know if got that reference she'd say, "Run, Ayanna. Run!"
Коментари